Inner healing is a choice we make based on what we know about ourselves. And what we know is largely based on how we were raised and the conditioning of our paths in life. Many think they do not have choices in their lives, but we do. It is the consequences our choices may bring that we often cannot face. Choice brings change, and depending on how we respond to it, change can bring a renewal in your life, or a fear of your life.
I have been at a crossroads in my career and personal life for several weeks. My chronic illness is escalating to a point of relentless symptoms that at times imprison my mind, body, spirit and soul. I began to question “Who Am I?” on a daily basis as spiritual warfare became greater then my physical ailments. I became listless and stopped writing and living.
Spiritual warfare was breaking my body down from the physical level to the deepest level of my soul where my True Self lay imprisoned in Fear, Doubt and Confusion. Within myself I kept shouting “Who Am I and Why Am I Here? Why do I feel so alone within myself as my body and spirit weakens?”
Finally, one day I threw my arms up and declared out loud, “I release this broken body and spirit back to where it came from. I am finished.” To put it more bluntly, I made the choice to give up, let the consequences fall where they may. And they did with a mighty thunder.
Immediately the consequences of my choice resulted in a transformational journey of healing and renewal in my life.
Allowing and Release
Our darkest moments are also our most enlightening. Giving up was what I had to do. I knew there would be changes in my life that would be unfamiliar and unpredictable. I also had a choice to allow the consequences to be one of hope and faith, or fear and despair. I chose hope and faith in that dark moment of giving up and release of myself. Again, in this choice, let the consequences fall where they may.
I allowed the releasing of my broken body and spirit to begin its inner healing journey. I was awakened to the strength and courage of my spirit and the power it held as I became bathed in the light of soul transformation. And that power was tested as I made the decision, the choice, to take that first step on my journey to inner healing of my body, mind, soul and spirit.
The first few days of my awakening were filled with joy, awe, miracles and events that proved that my Spirit was alive, and my True Inner Self was released from its prison of fear, doubt and confusion. Affirmations and confirmations came daily to remind me of the resurrection and healing that was occurring within me. People came into my life who would become guides on my journey. My physical ailments improved dramatically during the course of my Awakening. I began to see with clarity WHO I Was, instead of What I Was.
The Journey of Inner Healing Begins
I began my inner healing journey by entering a wood with clear, sunlit pathways where I traveled in ease and joy. I encountered small battles of doubt, fear and confusion on the way, but conquered them easily when they would jump out at me suddenly from the bushes and weed.
But being the old spiritual warrior that I am, I knew that True Awakening, Healing and Transformation called for facing deeper fears, doubt and confusion that would be seared with past wounds that still bled.
The path grew darker, with rocks and tree roots attempting to trip me. As the path became difficult to navigate, I grew physically and spiritually weaker, and I fell on the path as Fear, Doubt and Confusion attacked me with furious wrath and force. I lay pinned on my path, weakness overcoming me in my internal battle with Fear, Doubt and Confusion. Then I heard a gentle voice say in my ear,” Your beloved Uncle has died.”
Follow the Light
The shock of that news gave me strength to push off Fear, Doubt and Confusion to hurry on the path that unfolded before me. As I turned down this path I heard a voice say,” Stop looking down at where you are going, look up!” As I looked up I saw rays of sunlight shining through the trees, showing me the way around the rocks, roots and grasping bushes.
I realized then that the light shining through the trees was always there to guide me. I had failed to allow the light to guide me when I had become more immersed in navigating the rocky path and scratchy bushes, as the wood darkened in places. I was an easy target for Fear, Doubt and Confusion at those times.
I ran down the path with renewed physical and spiritual strength as it led me home to my grieving family. My beloved Uncle waited for me at the end of the path back home so he could pass on. However in his passing, I was left with another choice to make and another battle to fight.
We grieved as family and we grieved individually. For my beloved Uncle’s passing marked the end of an era, a generation and the family name. My siblings and cousins were passed the torch to keeping our family legacy alive. We were no longer the children or the” kids”; we were now the Patriarch’s and Matriarch’s of our family legacy.
My parents are still with me, but barely. They live in another city, and my Mom lives in a world of her own, as my Dad fights a losing battle with cancer. Watching my Dad begin to fade out of this life has been harder then losing my Mom to dementia. His mind is still alive even though his body is weakened and ravished by old age and cancer. My brother and sister make sure that they still live in their own home, with my sister giving up most of her life to be their caregiver.
The day before my uncle’s funeral, I helped Dad find a suit that would fit his shrunken frame as my Mom was grasping for moments of clarity to help. It was my Mom’s big brother who had passed, and her mind could not process his death and her living.
But the three of us talked and laughed, and then my Dad began to talk about his impending death; Dad presented it in a way that was more on making sure I remembered the responsibility we all held in passing on the family legacy.
Wrestling the Mighty Bear
After I left Mom and Dad, I went back to my hotel where I was staying. The enormity of my grief over my uncle and my parents fading away from this life fell over me in torrents of gut wrenching sobs and crying out. It was time to make a choice to release again, the consequences being to accept this change or linger in the past that was no more.
I chose to accept the change, move into my position as a Matriarch, and allow the renewal and healing journey to continue. I felt relief as much as I felt vulnerable. Another battle for my life began.
As I slept, I felt I was wrestling a Mighty Bear with tremendous power and strength in my bed. I kept waking up drenched in sweat, expecting to see the Bear in front of me. I didn’t see it, but I felt it waiting for the next round. I fell back asleep and dreamt again of wrestling this Mighty Bear. This went on all night. I knew I was battling for my spirit and soul.
Dawn arrived and I was awakened by the gleam of sunlight. The room was quiet, but I was drenched in sweat as well as my pillows and sheets. But the room was peaceful and calm. I swung my legs to the floor, raised my arms in victory and said out loud, “I won!”
My bed a shambles, sheets and blankets torn from the corners of the bed all in a tangled pile. That was some fight I thought, as I smiled at my victory over letting go of the past so that the present and the future could be lived.
Transformation and Renewal
From there, I prepared for my uncle’s funeral and went forward to make final good-byes and to welcome the new soul and spirit life arising within me. Grief had shown me the way to new life through learning how to leave a legacy through life, love, learning and laughing.
After my uncle’s funeral and tender good-byes, I found my path back on my inner healing journey. I am still on this journey, I am seeing sights, hearing sounds and meeting guides along my way. My soul is transformed and renewed.
There are setbacks, but I realize now that when I move too fast on the path, gentle hands reach out to slow me down. I once heard this referred to as “Divine Interruptions” meaning God didn’t want us to miss what we are to see and learn. Rushing this journey could mean passing up what we set out to seek and find.
Self Discovery Through Soul Recovery
On this part of the journey to inner healing, I have discovered WHO I AM. Guess what, it was there all the time, but I had allowed Fear, Doubt and Confusion to convince me I did not know myself. I have also recovered my self esteem and confidence, along with hope and faith. My Self Discovery has led to my Soul Recovery.
My physical body still rails against me, but I know once I reach the destination of this inner healing journey will be the physical healing of my body. And when that destination is reached, I will look forward to a new journey that will begin.
Until then, I will allow the “Divine Interruptions’ in whatever shape or form they come in. I always come out better then before when I practice patience, stay in awareness, and rejoice in the transformations.
I am content as much as exhilarated as I travel on my journey to inner healing. My soul and spirit has blessed me with new insights, grace, and healing that I will give back in service to others lost on their path in life.
This is my passion and commitment to all those who seek to find their own inner healing journeys.
The fear of life kept me from living it. But now I know that renewal of life gives me the grace to live a life of wonder and awe. Bad times happen when I refuse to see I have choices that can bring joyous consequences of change that will always make my life better. All I have to do is get out of the way and allow it to happen!