My Achy Breaky Heart

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All I can say it hurts. My heart is broken, opening up wounds that I thought were healed. I was wrong. The wound still bleeds; I have just programmed myself to apply band-aids of grief whenever the scab breaks open.

The path to trust can be an arduous journey in itself. But add love to it, and the journey takes you to darker territories of your own fears and humiliations. The demons of low self esteem, ghosts of past betrayals, and the echoes and images of past rejections jump out at you like ghosts in a haunted house.

The path to trust can be a healing of these haunts, these nightmares of life that can isolate one emotionally. Trust with love is difficult when brought together. Because the intensity of these emotions are so strong, love and trust can be a healing to a troubled soul. But when trust and love are broken together, the wounded heart can alter your life and mindset. The question is, do I let the betrayal and humiliation alter my life to allow the demons of distrust and betrayal back in, or do I put up the mighty fight to keep them out and live my life in peace?

Recently I have taken on a quest to deepen my faith and spirituality. My journey has led me to meet and release the demons that have plagued my life. This is not a journey for the faint of heart, or for those who do not want to face the enemy of their own self. I am physically and emotionally exhausted after these meditations. But it is also a cleansing of the soul that  I call release and relief.

Humiliation has been a journey in itself in this quest of faith. Much of the humiliation in my life has been centered on betrayal and rejection. My faith quest has stripped away many layers of these haunting humiliations, bringing a peace to my soul. A peace that I thought had exorcised those hauntings of past humiliations and betrayals.

But I was wrong. My quest was  not over in meeting  other demons of betrayal, humiliation and rejection. My faith journey took me to my weakest center in love and trust, my heart. I had to face it again, and worse, in a loved one. I knew it was part of my quest, a true test of faith in continuing the faith journey to the depths of my soul. Anger, humiliation, disrespect, rejection, helplessness, you name it, I felt it when the betrayal happened. Do I take revenge, cry for hours, beat myself up as a no good, and take back the healings that have  occurred in other areas of my soul?

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. But, to allow the healing to continue, I must detach from it. This is my experience, not the loved one’s. I am exhausted and tired from this recurring betrayal of trust and rejection, but it no longer deserves the energy it takes to deal with it. Now it is the loved one’s experience, for this time, it has taken on a different form. A true reality of how deep these recurring actions have affected me. It is now up to the loved one whether to take the quest within to the demons and hauntings of this person’s life.

Love surrounds my hurt for the loved one is a very generous and good person. We all have flaws; we are not perfect in our humanness. It when our humanness becomes dominate in our lives that the flaws hurt others. And this is not the loved one’s true nature; it is truly one of service to others.

However, the human flaw was never seen as a problem to this person,just me. Maybe because the screaming and crying I used to do when the human flaw occurred was deafening enough to turn this person off. No wonder my wailings  had no affect.

However my anger at the humiliation and betrayal also unlocked  other demons of these past feelings and emotions along with others. The loved one got hit broadside for the sins of many!!! I felt entitled to punish this person’s actions along with the actions of others.

I have been on a healing journey that has been brutal at times. But as I release the pain of the past, the relief is a true breath of life in the Spirit. I was warned that many of the past hauntings of humiliation and other demons would come back at times. But I would be prepared, or have the tools, to face them down, learn from them and move on. I have done that on the easier ones, and on the tough ones I am gaining courage to see the lesson, face it down, bless it and move on.

I always thought my biggest challenge in this faith journey was my health. I should of known better. Except I knew deep down, that trust and love would be tested with the loved one. Small moments of testing were difficult, but I realized taking my energy back instead of hammering on the loved one felt better. But a big test should not have surprised me in my faith journey. As much as the loved one has been a soulmate, over the years I have lost respect and trust for someone I once adored. I want that back, but the loved one has to take his own journey within to either face his demons or fight them. It is the loved one’s choice not mine.

It hurts. But strangely enough, I am moving on. Faith has shown me the lesson to be learned, and I am grateful for that lesson. Forgiveness from humiliation and betrayal is hard. There are people and events in my past that I have forgiven, and in my heart and soul I know this to be true. But this one is tough. I have to see this person on a daily basis, a constant reminder of what happened.

How will this play out? I am not sure. Sometimes life deals us a hand that is telling us to move 0n  in another direction. Sometimes it is to improve and find more meaning in what is. All I know is despite the hurt, there is a peace in my soul. A true test of love and trust is coming up in a few weeks. I won’t dwell on it, for some reason it is not important. That is the future, what happened is past, and I most focus on now, this moment, for this is the  gift of the present.

I have a beloved Uncle dying at anytime, an illness that is unpredictable, a business to run and a life to lead. But despite all this and more, my faith journey continues. Oddly, I have a joy, love  and peace deep in my soul. The images and feelings of the hurt are there, but they are not dominating me. Spirits comforting presence is.

I love the loved one; I am here if needed, even as I work through the journey of my pain. Maybe it will bring us together, walking hand in hand to heal together. This may sound sappy, it may sound foolish. But anger and revenge is toxic and does not promote healing of wounded souls.

I chose the journey of healing the pain, to learn from it, to be stronger from it. I want to hold and love adoringly again this loved one, with arms wide open to receive my soulmate back. Until then, I continue on my faith journey.

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